Song for all time

I want to rant about politics. I want to rail against inequity. I want to jump up and down with righteous indignation about some perceived slight on our national conscience, but not this morning. Instead it seems I will be introspective and maudlin.

I was driving to work and after listening to the SR. Fellow on ethics from Blah Blah talk about CBS and Dan Rather, I turned on the some music I had stuck in and got to thinking. I was listening to the new Joy Electric album and one of the tracks sparked a feeling of loss/nostalgia/something in me.

I know it is mundane "I was listening to a song and - man - I miss you guys" How much more pathetic can you get?

I remember HS as being one of the most intense periods of my life and I hated it. Absolutely fucking hated it. The only good thing I have from high school (other than my wife) was a few friendships that have managed to stand up over time and distance. There were a few that didn't survive due to some cruelty on my part (which believe it or not - is probably for the best). I can think of a couple of people I would like to talk to again. Pete, for instance. We were friends from middle school and all through high school. After HS he joined a traveling praise band and toured the country as a guitarist. He was (and is) one of the nicest people I have ever had the privilege to know. He lives in Vegas (at last I knew) and seemed to be surviving well. I hope he is still doing well. I miss him.

I saw one of the friends I missed (and another old friend, Sister of the guy whose wedding it was) at a wedding. It was like nothing had ever changed. For all my apprehension at seeing them, we were still just friends as good as we could be. We talked about our kids and life and just everything.

Maybe it is a commentary on me as a person, or just the nature of our times. I have talked to other people and they have friends that they have known from elementary school. It seems that no matter what I do, I always come back to these thoughts. Most of the other people I was friends with, we just drifted apart as friendships are wont to do. I wish them well.

Maybe it is nostalgia that makes me long for that time. Life seemed so open and on the brink of exploding into something new. It still holds some of that wonder, but mostly, at this point, I know what my day is going to consist of, I know how I want my life to go. My hopes and dreams are for my children, my own ambitions and dreams, while important to me, are a means to make life better for them.

I worry more about the boy growing up healthy than I do about when I will graduate from college or how long it will be before I can start work on my graduate degrees, or even how long it will take me to finish the album(s) I am working on. I do those things because they are part of me, but the most important work I do is raising my children.

It all seems so meaningless in that context. I am sure it seems odd to many of you, that it seems that I am sublimating my own desires to achieve something else for someone else. I disagree. My priorities are just a bit different.

How very odd. I never thought I would quite end up in this place.

This whole entry seems fragmentary, a reflection of my mind on this subject. It feels like fractions of memory, images, and random moments in time that I cannot quite capture in any meaningful way (on paper or what have you).

I suppose that life is like that. The experiences that shape us are so personal that we cannot adequately share them with another person. We can relate, on some level anyway, to a shared experience but words seem to not convey the gravity of the moment.

All of this brings another point to mind. My brother is getting married next year. I am his best man (as he was mine). He gave a fantastic toast. For all that I love him, and all that I write, I fear that I will not be adequate to the job.

Time will tell.